


No Title

by royalreddeath



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-03-08 16:58:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18898831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/royalreddeath/pseuds/royalreddeath
Summary: "Do you ever backslide?"





	No Title

“Do you ever backslide?”

The question made Isa look up, concerned by the tone. Lea’s voice was empty in a familiar, horrifying way. A fake, lied to way. “In what way, Lea?”

“In the Saïx kind of way. Do you ever feel hollow, like if your heart actually came back, it came back wrong? It came back collapsing like a worn out star?” Lea clutched his chest, a desperate and sad look on his face that Isa had seen once before. It was not a fond memory. “I’ve been feeling like Axel for… I’m not sure, I’ve lost track of time. It feels like forever. I feel like I’ve… never been Lea.”

“I do, occasionally, but I know it’s not real. We have our hearts back, we’re people again,” Isa spoke softly, concerned for where Lea had gone. “You’re not Axel, even if you feel like him. You are a guardian of light, remember? Axel couldn’t be that.”

“But what if my heart came back broken? I feel broken. A somebody shouldn’t feel this hollow, this empty. This…” Lea trailed off, realizing his first two words were essentially the same, not wanting to speak more if he was just going to say synonyms at Isa. “You deserve someone who can love you all the time and if I’m still Axel at all, I… know I can’t.”

“Lea, I’m not going to let you break up with me because you’re feeling broken down, okay? If you need some time, take some time, but you are capable of love, I’ve seen it on your face.” Isa took Lea’s hand as he spoke. “You and I are capable of love. Maybe not all the time, but most of the time. Worrying about not being able to love me may still just be loving me.”

Lea squeezed Isa’s hand and didn’t loosen his grip afterwards. He didn’t want to let go, fear of what may happen gripping him just as hard as his grip on Isa. It caused his hands to both shake, it caused his eyes to fill with tears.

“See? We didn’t cry when we were nobodies. You needed a heart to cry,” Isa whispered, wiping tears that fell from Lea’s eyes away. “It’s alright. You’re okay.”

Lea collapsed into himself, taking his hand from Isa so he could ball both up into fists against his chest as he bowed forward into a ball. He began to sob.

Isa left Lea untouched for a minute, letting Lea settle into the pain and hoped that it would remind him that they were people again. Pain was a part of being a person, they both knew that all too well. After the minute passed, Isa gently guided Lea out of the ball and into clinging to him. Lea’s hands gripped Isa’s shirt.

“I feel broken, Isa,” Lea’s voice shook as he spoke, but his refusal to stop saying Isa’s name was still there. He still wanted to be a person. Repetition of names from Lea’s tongue was him refusing to be Axel, the man who had given up on being Lea for longer than he’d ever admit to.

“I do too, sometimes. But it gets better, doesn’t it? The total emptiness is fleeting, your heart is there under it, fighting to stay alive and with you. You know your heart is one of the strongest ones, right? That’s why we were us, that’s why Axel looked like he did.”

Lea just continued to cry, attempts at words broken and sparse for an uncomfortable amount of time. Lea didn’t like it because he wanted to speak, Isa didn’t like it because he felt that he’d messed up with trying to talk it out. It took all Isa had to not fall apart with Lea, worry and guilt about nothing eating him away.

Eventually, Lea’s crying subsided and he just remained where he was, leaning against Isa and holding on as if to tether himself to reality. It took a few minutes past that for him to regain his voice.

“Isa?”

“Yeah?”

“I think I’m good on explanation for now. Thank you.”

“Understood.”

“Maybe something less about…” Lea trailed off, not sure what he wanted to talk about or if he really wanted to talk at all. “Actually… Can you tell me about why you think I had the… teardrops?”

Isa tensed slightly, not sure why Lea thought it would be better to talk about a part of Axel instead of his whole, but if that was being asked for, “I like to think it became a part of who you were in some way, the charms. You woke up, wanting to be strong and I had managed to give you what you needed, even if it was originally just some markers and a desperate move.”

“You saying your love became a part of who I am?”

“I suppose I am. Our hearts were gone, but we still had each other. That’s why I know our hearts returned, a little bruised, but not broken… because… those are gone. My heart returned to me so I could love you myself. And your heart returned to you. I promise.”

“Trying to calm me down by being gay,” Lea muttered, moving so he could rest his head against Isa’s chest. Even if he still felt broken up, listening to Isa speak then moving to listen to his heartbeat calmed Lea. “I can hear yours. Can you feel mine?”

Isa’s hand rested on Lea’s back, rubbing it gently. He kissed the top of his best friend’s head. “Of course I can.”

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a few days ago. Couldn't manage the D&C chapter this week, but I got this, which is technically in the universe for that fic anyways. Sorry about missing the Saturday update for D&C.


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